


Exhale

by honestverseoflonging



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Catholic School, Dry Humping, Fluff and Smut, Frerard, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Making Love, Masturbation, Porn with Feelings, Religious Guilt, Slow Burn, Wet Dream, tobacco kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:40:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26925265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honestverseoflonging/pseuds/honestverseoflonging
Summary: Frank is a dedicated catholic boy with an odd reaction to the smell of tobacco. This doesn’t cause problems until Gerard enters his life. Something that starts as an attraction to the smoke leaving the boy’s lips becomes much more.
Relationships: Gerard Way/Frank Iero
Comments: 5
Kudos: 51





	Exhale

**Author's Note:**

> The album I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning by Bright Eyes inspired and is mentioned in this work.

As far back as Frank can remember he has been attracted to the smell of tobacco. Maybe it was the insistent bickering his mom made around anyone lighting up in front of him that made it so taboo. Or maybe it was his strict religious upbringing, “our bodies are a temple” and all that. Regardless, anytime he’d catch a whiff of the forbidden smoke he’d get a rush of excitement. As Frank got older the tightening in his chest from the thrill transformed into arousal. He wouldn’t deny it was odd that his cock got hard smelling cigarettes but he never thought it was a problem. His body would just react. He wasn’t doing anything wrong.

He lived in a small town where every public area was deemed “tobacco free” with hefty fines to back it up. He had also been enrolled in catholic school for his entire education. In his seventeen years the chance of him encountering a smoker had been few and far between. His curiosity was always looming in the back of his mind. 

*** 

“Babe, can we go to the movies later? They’re showing the new horror flick!” Emily called over the fence dividing their houses, practically bouncing out of her skin. 

“Come on, you know I can’t handle all that gore.” Frank said lowering the weed eater. Tending to the lawn was his chore ever since his dad left. 

“I’ll make it worth your while.” Emily countered with a bright smile. 

“Fine. I’ll pick you up at seven.”

“Can’t wait!” Emily basically squealed and dashed into her house. 

***

Frank and Emily had been ‘dating’ for four years. I say ‘dating’ because they’d never made it official, in any sense. Their relationship was hard to explain. They’d never outright told anyone or even had ‘the talk’ themselves. One day they had hung out and just never stopped. It was as innocent as relationships came. They were primarily best friends. 

Emily had moved next door when they were both thirteen and with Frank going to an all boys catholic school it was mostly a ‘lack of options’ decision. Don’t get him wrong, Frank enjoyed spending time with her and valued her friendship but he just didn’t _feel_ what all the rom coms had made love out to be. He knew there had to be more to it. 

** 

Frank went up to his room and stripped off his sweat soaked shirt. He plopped down at his desk and opened his laptop to browse the internet. His curiosity got the better of him and he brought up the trailer to the movie he was about to see. 

Queue:  
*Blood*  
*Guts*  
*A woman screaming for dear life* 

Frank was not looking forward to this. He always got queasy watching all that violence. _The things I do for Emily,_ he thought, grumbling. He settled into doing his huge amount of homework, momentarily pushing away the thought of what the future had waiting for him. 

***

Around six he takes a quick shower and dresses in a pair of light wash jeans, a band tee and a black hoodie. He’s not dressing up for this date. The movie is going to make him tense enough and he wants to be as comfortable as possible while having his inevitable crisis. 

As promised he’s on Emily’s front porch promptly at seven. She dashed out of the door twirling, showing off her outfit. 

“It’s new, don’t you love it!”

“Looks great.” 

It was a floral skater dress. It was nothing too different from the things she usually wore. 

“I got it just for tonight.” She smiled sweetly at him. 

“Ready to go?”

She looked disappointed at his obvious indifference to her appearance. She shook off her bad mood and grabbed his hand, pulling him towards his car. Nothing would stop her from enjoying the movie she’d been looking forward to for months. 

He pulled the passenger side door open and ushered her inside. He shut the door and rounded the front, opening the drivers door and slid into the seat. He turned the key and the engine roared to life. 

They lived in such a small town that the closest movie theatre was a twenty minute drive. So he turned on his stereo, pressing play on his book on tape. As he listened to “Naked Lunch“ his nerves began to disappear. He was a bookworm by nature, always having a never ending pile of “to reads”. A good book had always given him comfort. When they finally pulled into the theaters parking lot his nerves came back to him with full force. 

“Can we get popcorn?” Emily said skipping into the building oblivious to the internal dilemma Frank was having. 

They grabbed their tickets and popcorn and made their way to the correct showing room. Frank had a habit of sitting in the exact middle, citing that it was the perfect position to get the most out of the ambient sound. Today it was to his advantage that the exit was directly beside them, saving him from drawing any unwanted attention to his unavoidable escape. 

Roughly half way through the film, the gore was finally starting to get to him. He could feel his stomach twisting with nausea. He quickly excused himself to the bathroom, leaving Emily in her seat. He needed some air. That was an understatement, actually. He had to have it. He pushed out the main doors and slid down the wall bringing his knees to his chest. His eyes were closed as he tried to slow his breathing, putting his all in to willing his anxiety away. 

“Hey, are you okay?” He heard a voice cut through his thoughts.

When Frank looked up he was met with the most gorgeous hazel eyes he’d ever seen. The boy was stooped over him, their closeness making Frank jump. 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You could never scare me as much as that movie in there.” 

“Not a horror fan?” 

“Not even a little.” Frank replied. 

Frank looked at his watch trying to figure out how long he’d been having his breakdown when he saw the guy that was trying to comfort him stand and fumble around in his pocket. 

“You look like you could use a smoke.” 

Frank’s eyes lit up. Tobacco. Oh god, this wasn’t the time or the place. His cock gave a twitch, clearly interested with the turn of events. 

“Yeah, that might help.” 

Frank stood up, taking the cigarette offered to him. The guy handed him his lighter. He lit the cigarette only holding the smoke in his mouth, not inhaling. 

“Thanks. I’m Frank, by the way.” 

“Gerard.” He replied while lighting his own cigarette and inhaling like a pro. Frank watched the smoke drift from his lips, his heart accelerating. Down boy, he reprimanded his growing erection. 

He intently watched Gerard enjoy his cigarette, ignoring his own. He wasn’t a smoker and had only taken the cigarette as a cover to innocently observe Gerard. His jeans were getting uncomfortable as he watched the other man inhaling the intoxicating wisps. He turned to inconspicuously adjust his semi, hoping his hoodie was long enough in the front to keep him hidden. 

“Bright Eyes, huh? I’m a huge fan. I’ve got all their albums.” Frank said pointing to the shirt peaking out from Gerard’s leather jacket. 

“Yeah, they’re great. Conor’s lyrics really rip through me.”

“You’re telling me. Poison Oak, dude. Gets me every time.”

“Death Cab for Cutie?” Gerard asks. 

“Fuck yeah. The Decemberists?”

“Wow. We should hang out sometime. I’ve got a collection that would blow your mind.” 

“That’d be rad.” Frank said smiling. 

Before they could make any concrete plans Emily came busting out the door. She eyed the scene suspiciously, staring between the stranger and Frank. Her eyes drifted to the bulge in Frank’s denim and widened suddenly. As if Gerard could hear her thoughts he turned towards Frank and followed Emily’s line of sight. His cheeks went red and his eyes darted to meet Frank’s. 

“I gotta go. Thanks for the cigarette, Gerard.” Frank spoke quickly, looking away and stamping out the decoy smoke. He grabbed Emily’s hand practically yanking her towards the car. 

The drive home was eerily quiet. Neither Frank nor Emily had spoken in the last twenty minutes. When he pulled up to her house, Emily made a move. She grabbed his hand and put it on her thigh slowly easing it up her dress. 

“What are you doing?” Frank spat. 

“Isn’t this what you want?” 

“Emily, we’ve barely even kissed and you’re sticking my hand up your dress. What’s going on?” 

“I saw.” She stated. 

He froze. “Saw?”

“You were hard in front of that guy. I just want to make you happy, Frank. I’d do anything for you but its pretty clear you don’t even want me.” 

He was in no position to argue about his arousal when it was displayed so blatantly in his pants. She had the wrong idea though. It wasn’t the guy, it was the smoke but he couldn’t just drop something that weird on her. 

“That was just a fluke. You do make me happy, Em. I just don’t want to take advantage of you. The bible says premarital sex is wrong. You have to know I only want to respect you. Can we just forget that this night ever happened?” 

“Okay... Goodnight.” She said abruptly exiting the car and stalking up to her porch without even a backwards glance. 

“Shit.”

*** 

The sound of skin slapping skin filled the air in Frank’s bedroom. He was sloppily working himself with his non dominant hand, his dominant being too busy held to his nose. He was sniffing the scent of tobacco off his fingers like it was the oxygen he needed to survive. He rammed his fingers into his mouth, sucking at the nicotine and his body began to convulse. His ejaculation was so forceful that he ended up striping his own face with his cum. He let out a moan stifled by his fingers. He knew what he’d done was wrong but it had felt so good. 

He quickly wiped himself off and he dropped to his knees beside his bed. The words “Lord, forgive me” escaped his lips. 

He flopped back up on his bed, sighing into his pillow. He drifted into a restless sleep. 

***

He’s outside the movie theatre again but this time he’s in the alley near the emergency exit side door. He doesn’t remember how he got here but doesn’t question it when he sees Gerard beside him. He’s taking a drag off his cigarette and Frank can’t take his eyes off of him. 

“What are you looking at?” Gerard smirks. 

He inhales again and blows the smoke in Frank’s face. His body gives an involuntary shudder and Gerard closes the gap between them. Their chests are pressed together, their new position resembling a hug. Gerard places a hand on Frank’s hip. The touch is so gentle that Frank barely registers it. Frank can feel Gerard’s hot breath on his ear and his skin begins to tingle. 

“Is this okay?” Gerard breaths into his ear. 

“Y-yeah.” Frank stutters. 

Gerard leans back and their eyes lock. Frank is glancing between Gerard’s eyes and his lips. He knows what he wants but he can’t seem to move. Gerard senses his hesitation and leans in to connect their lips. It’s tender and slow, they’re both enjoying the slide of their lips. As the kiss deepens Gerard darts his tongue out, asking for entrance to Frank’s mouth. Frank’s lips part and the kiss begins to gain heat.

Something snaps in Frank when Gerard bites down on his bottom lip. He’s frantically pushing Gerard against the brick exterior of the theatre. His heart is beating out of chest. Everything feels so good. His senses are blurring and he feels a heat bursting out of him. 

Frank is jerked suddenly from his slumber. He looked down finding his briefs soaked. 

“What the hell?” He asked himself. Then his dream came flying back to him. _Gerard._ Oh god. 

He ran to his bathroom, stripping quickly and showering off the evidence of his indecent thoughts. 

He returned to his room, dropping to his knees once more. “Lord, forgive me” he repeated. 

***

As he and his mother entered the church the next morning they crossed themselves. He felt an uneasiness blooming inside of him. Of course God had witnessed his weaknesses from the night before. He couldn’t hide anything from Him. 

“Honey, are you okay?” His mother asked worried about her sons odd behavior. 

“I’m not sure. Can I go to confession after the service?” 

“Of course, sweetie.”

They settled into the pew as the priest began his sermon for the day. It was oddly coincidental that the message for today was denying the sins of the flesh. Frank’s flesh was crawling. His guilt was unbearable. He needed to atone. 

After the service he swiftly made his way back to the confessional.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” Frank began. “This is my first confession. I’ve had.. thoughts. Thoughts of another man. I know they are wrong and I am filled with shame.”

“If you have not agreed with the temptation, you have not committed sin, son. This is where the fight against sin lies. Do not incline your own self-will and follow God’s will. I know you are a fine young man and this is just a curiosity. Three our fathers and three Hail Marys for your penance.” 

“Thank you, father.” 

He left church that day feeling lighter.

***

As he was locking the door to his house the next morning, he heard Emily. 

“I wish you could drive me to school. Catholic school rules blow.” 

They walked to the bus stop and waited. The way Emily spoke to him as if the night before had never happened was unsettling to him. Frank’s bus pulled up in front of them. Emily slung her arms around him tightly, saying her goodbyes. They broke apart and he darted up the stairs shooting her a small smile and a wave from the window. 

He sighed when they pulled up to the school. Here he wouldn’t have Emily acting like everything was normal when it clearly wasn’t. He could push the guilty thoughts down and focus on his studies. He needed a distraction and school was the perfect one. 

He enters his first period class and took his seat. While getting his supplies ready his teacher spoke.

“Class, i’d like to introduce a new student. This is Gerard.” 

Frank’s eyes snapped up from his books and right in front of him was the boy from outside the theatre. His worst nightmare was coming true. The memories of the night before smacking into Frank like a ton of bricks.

Gerard scanned the room and his eyes locked with Frank’s. His face flushed and he couldn’t seem to look away. 

Their teacher noticed their unspoken greeting and spoke to Gerard. “Oh, you must know Frank. He can show you around then. Right, Frank?” 

“Sure thing, Mrs. Wright.” Frank reluctantly replied. 

Gerard takes the empty seat beside Frank because apparently now he’s his mentor. Neither of them spoke a word during class, not even looking in the other’s direction. 

When the bell rings Frank bolts for the door. 

“Frank, you wouldn’t mind showing Gerard to his classes today? I’m sure he could use your help until he gets used to the layout of the school.” 

“Oh, right. I forgot. Gerard?” He looks at him expectantly. Gerard gets up and joins him in walking to his next class. 

“So... I wanted to say sorry about the other night. I wasn’t feeling well.” Frank says as they walk down the hall. 

“I could tell by the boner you popped.” Gerard replies smiling and rolling his eyes. 

Frank stops dead in his tracks. 

“What did you say?”

“I’ll repeat myself if you want but ya know.” He gestures around to the hallway full of people. 

“You are clearly mistaken.” 

“It’s cool if you’re into dudes. I was just surprised is all. I didn’t think I did anything too sexy.” He snickered. 

“I am _not_ gay. I have a... Emily. We’re together. Kind of.” 

“Sure, Frank.” Gerard says as he ducks into his classroom they’d walked to. Frank is left with his mouth hanging open.

The rest of the day drags on. He can’t get Gerard’s words out of his head. “It’s cool if you’re into dudes.” No way. He’s a good catholic boy with a sort of girlfriend. 

The day is over and the bus pulls up to his stop. Emily is waiting on the bench for him like she has for the last four years. She smiles at him and he practically runs off the bus to greet her. 

“Can I come over?”

“Right now? My parents aren’t home.” She replies wearily. 

“Awesome.” 

The second they’re in her bedroom he’s pulling her on top of him. He’ll show Gerard who’s gay. His hands are cupping her ass and squeezing the flesh. Her tongue is exploring his mouth and she’s really getting into it. She’s pulling his bottom lip between her teeth and biting down harshly. She starts to grind her hips down on him but stops. She quirks her head sideways as if asking a question. 

“You’re not into it.” She says sadly. 

“I’m sorry, Em. I just can’t. I think I just feel too guilty. You know... God and everything.” 

Emily’s face softens. She rolls down on the bed beside him. “It’s okay, babe. You haven’t done anything wrong.” He can’t mistake the hurt that fills her eyes. 

“I’m gonna go. I’m really sorry, Emily.” And with that, he’s gone. He’s outside of her house in an instant, practically running to his house and into his bedroom. 

Once again he’s in his bed with his hand down his pants. He’s recalling Gerard’s voice saying his name. He can remember the cigarette smell coming from his clothes. The smirk he had on his lips earlier in the hall reminding him of the dream he had last night and now he can’t think of anything else. It’s like a train hitting him. He’s coming all over his fist with Gerard’s name spilling from his lips. 

“What is wrong with me?” He says to himself after he’d come down. 

He spends the rest of his night praying. “Lord, forgive me” has become his new mantra.

 _Tomorrow i’ll do better._ He thought, promising himself. 

***

Emily didn’t speak much the next day at the bus stop. Frank couldn’t really blame her. Everything was awkward now. Things were changing.

When he entered first period Gerard was already in the seat next to his. 

“I’m sorry about yesterday. I had no right to say something like that.” Gerard began. 

“It’s no big deal. Forget about it.” Frank says, guilt filling him as he’s looking into the face of the boy that he’d jerked off to less than twelve hours ago.

“Okay. So, you wanna hang out today? I could show you my record collection if you were still interested?” 

“Yeah. That sounds good.” Frank says right before class begins. 

He’s distracted all day. He shouldn’t feel this excited about hanging out with Gerard. He’s just a friend. A friend he can’t stop thinking about. 

The last bell rings and it’s time to go home. Time to go home _with Gerard._

Gerard turns the corner and spots Frank, heading directly towards him with a smile on his face. Frank’s heart rate accelerates. 

“Let’s get out of here.” Gerard says. 

They walk outside and turn heading towards the back of the school. 

“Where are we going? The bus stop is that way.” Franks asks curiously. 

“My car is out back. Don’t tell anyone.” Gerard says with a wink. 

As soon as they’re in his car Gerard pulls his pack of cigarettes out. _Oh god, not again._ Frank thought. 

“Want one?” Gerard asks offering him the pack. 

“Nah, trying to quit.” Frank lies. 

Gerard shrugs and lights up inhaling the first breath like it’s the best thing he’s ever tasted. Frank is in hell. His cock is starting to fill out and his uniform pants don’t leave anything to the imagination. 

They pull up to Gerard’s house and he exits the drivers seat, disposing of his spent smoke. Frank stays motionless trying to think of a way to hide his problem. His door is swung open and Gerard is grabbing his hand, pulling him to his feet. Luckily for Frank, Gerard was already on his way towards his front door pulling out his key. 

When they enter the home they’re stopped in the kitchen by Gerard’s mom. Frank inconspicuously repositions his messenger bag and pretends to search within its contents. 

“Hi, sweetie. How was school?” She says noticing Frank behind Gerard. 

“Hey, Ma. It was great. This is Frank.”

“I’m so glad you’ve made a friend already. It’s nice to meet you Frank. I’m Donna.”

“Nice to meet you too, ma’am.” Frank replies. 

“Want some coffee?” Gerard directs his question to Frank. 

“Definitely.” 

Gerard starts the coffee maker and motions for Frank to follow him. 

“You guys have fun.” Donna yells as they depart towards Gerard’s room. 

Frank is shocked when he enters. Rows and rows of vinyl’s line the shelves. He scans the room and sees stacks of classic literature, many of which Frank knew by heart.

“Wow. Your room is dope.” Frank admitted. 

“Thanks. Sorry it’s such a wreck. My brain is a scattered mess so everything around me is too by default.” Gerard chuckled. 

“Can I?” Frank motioned to the massive music collection. 

“Knock yourself out.” 

Frank starts pulling vinyls from the shelf in total awe. Their taste in music was pretty similar. He soon had a mess of albums on the floor. 

Gerard came up from behind him, grabbing a specific record from his untouched shelf. He pulled it out of the sleeve and placed it on the turntable. The room filled with Conor Oberst’s voice. 

“You remembered.” Frank smiled up at him. 

“Of course I did.” Gerard said returning his smile and joining him on the floor.

When ‘First Day of My Life’ started to play Gerard placed his hand over Frank’s. Frank looked up at him but Gerard was busying his eyes on another album cover. Frank turned his hand in Gerard’s and laced their fingers. They sat listening to the tune, hand in hand. When the lyric ‘And I thought it was strange, you said everything changed you felt as if you just woke up.’ Frank leaned his head on Gerard’s shoulder. Gerard turned and placed a quick kiss to Frank’s hair.

The innocent contact made Frank feel like he was flying. He tried to blame the comfortable atmosphere and the soft tunes for the butterflies in his stomach but this boy had him feeling things he’d never felt before. This really felt like the first day of Frank’s life. 

“It’s getting pretty late. Want me to drive you home?” Gerard said after the record was finished. 

“Yeah. I’d really like to check out your book collection sometime.”

“Sounds good to me.” Gerard replied. 

They passed through the kitchen and the smell of coffee invaded their senses. 

“Forgot about the coffee. We’ll drink some next time for sure.” Gerard said. 

_Next time._ Frank thought, a knot forming in his stomach. 

Once he was safely home his thoughts began to race. As he laid down with his eyes closed pictures of the day flashed through his mind. Gerard’s smile. Their fingers laced together. Frank’s head on Gerard’s shoulder. The kiss placed on his head. He couldn’t stop himself from smiling as he fell asleep.

***

The next couple of weeks were a whirl. Gerard and Frank would sneak each other small smiles between their assignments. They would grab food after school and talk about their hopes and dreams. They’d spend days lounging around Gerard’s room trying to interpret the metaphors they would hear in their favorite songs. They consumed copious amounts of coffee, fulfilling Gerard’s promise of ‘next time’ a hundred fold.

Sometimes during the days spent together their hands would brush and their fingers would lace. Neither of them would comment on their joined hands and neither would make the effort of disconnecting them. Frank enjoyed every minute with Gerard and Gerard shared the same sentiment. 

Frank slowly began to notice how beautiful Gerard was. His warm hazel eyes that felt like they could see into his soul. The distinct shape of his top lip he wished to taste so badly. Even the way his hair perfectly framed his face made Frank’s heart flip. 

It wasn’t even that Gerard was the most physically beautiful. He was beautiful on the inside. He was kind, even when someones opinion opposed his. He was passionate about all of his interests. Nothing he did got less than his undivided attention. And when his attention was on you you felt like the most important person in the world, at least that’s how Frank felt while Gerard was looking at him. He was hopelessly hopeless for him. 

***

One day at school Gerard had something on his mind. 

“Wanna go get lunch together?” Gerard whispered between their teachers lecture. 

“We’re not allowed to leave campus.” Frank countered. 

“They won’t even miss us. Come on. I’m dying for something other than the cardboard they serve here.”

“Okay. I guess. Just this once though.” Frank conceded, always wanting more time with Gerard. 

“My car is parked where it always is. I’ll meet you there.”

Soon enough Frank was behind the school sneaking his way to Gerard’s car. 

“Hey! You made it.” 

“Let’s get out of here before we’re caught.” Frank said ducking down into the seat.

Gerard laughed. “Okay, Mr. Ninja.” 

They were outside of a sonic eating their meals with music playing softly through the stereo system. As they were finishing Gerard spoke. 

“Hey, I brought my favorite book to show you.” 

He leaned in between the front seats, a hand on Frank’s shoulder to retrieve the book from the back floorboard. His heart began to beat erratically at Gerard’s small touch. That wasn’t an uncommon occurrence as of lately. Gerard came back with a copy of The Catcher in the Rye. 

“I finally got a new copy. My old one basically fell apart I read it so many times.”

“Catcher in the Rye is my favorite book, no joke. I have a first edition at my house!” 

“Woah, really? Mine’s a shitty reprint from Barnes and Noble. I’d really like to see it sometime.”

“Are you busy tonight? You should come over.”

“Awesome. I’m all yours.”

I’m all yours? _Woah._ Those words made Frank shiver. They returned to school and surprisingly no one had caught on to their off campus meal. 

The rest of the day went by in a flash and before he knew it Frank was back in Gerard’s car. 

Once at Frank’s house they made it quickly to his room. Frank carefully pulled his first edition from his shelf and handed it to Gerard. 

“Woah, this is amazing. It must have cost a fortune.”

“Yeah, my mom started spoiling me when my dad left. She doesn’t make much money though. That’s why she’s not here. She’s working an extra shift.” Frank explains. 

“She seems like an awesome mom.”

“Yeah, she’s the best.” Frank says grinning. 

“Hey, I need a smoke. Wanna go with me?” Gerard says as he pulls a cigarette from his pack and places it between his lips, ready to move outside. 

“Yeah, lets go out back.” 

Frank’s back porch is covered and screened in giving the elusion of privacy. A porch swing is nestled to the side with a lone end table. They sit on the swing together and Gerard lights up. Frank’s hands are shaking. He’d been sporting a semi from the moment Gerard had asked to go out to smoke and now it was painfully hard with the first wisps of smoke dancing around his face. 

“You okay? You have the same look on your face as the first night I met you.” Gerard said and then his eyes drifted to Frank’s lap. There was no hiding. 

_”Oh.”_

“I’m sorry, man. It’s the smoke. I have this weird thing about it.” 

Gerard holds his cigarette out, examining it. Frank can see a light go off in Gerard’s head. Gerard faces him and takes a deep drag. Frank’s lips part at the almost pornagraphic sight and Gerard moves towards him. He connects their lips and exhales. 

Once the smoke enters Frank’s mouth all bets all off. Frank grabs Gerard’s face in his hands and kisses him hard. He hurriedly pulls him through the house and into his room. Once the door is closed, Frank is on top of him. His hands are gripping his hair and he’s grinding Gerard down into the mattress. Gerard’s hands are squeezing his ass rhythmically with Frank’s thrusts. Everything is hot. He feels like he’s on fire. 

Frank breaks the kiss and mouths at Gerard’s neck. He’s really lost all logical thought, not caring that he’s leaving marks all over him. Gerard’s hair falls over his face and Frank inhales the smell of cigarettes and he loses it. Heat curls in his stomach. He’s thrusting sporadically and moaning. Gerard grabs him by the hair and sinks his teeth into Frank’s shoulder and he’s shuddering beneath him.

It takes Frank a minute after coming down from his orgasm to realize what they’d just done. 

When he stands up the shifting of his slacks make the wetness in his pants uncomfortably obvious. He looks over to Gerard and he notices that he’s came as well. Gerard looks blissed out, panting with sweat dripping from his brow. 

Frank starts to hyperventilate. He can’t breath. Gerard is rushing to his side, helplessly staring in shock. 

“What do you need? An inhaler?” He asks desperately. 

“Get out. You have to go. Please.” Frank sputters. Gerard is taken aback. His shock turns into confusion and then sadness falls on his face.

“Okay. Okay. I’m going. I’m sorry, Frank.” He exits the room and Frank breaks down. He’s sobbing. He drops to his knees as he’s been used to frequently doing since he met Gerard. 

“Lord, forgive me. I’m lost. Help me. Show me the right path. I’ve been weak.” 

***

He fakes being sick for the next two days. He needs to make it to the weekend. He needs time to think. And to pray. His mother is sick with worry thinking her child is dying. She can’t stand watching him suffer, especially when she can only watch helplessly. 

“Frankie, what can I do? I’m begging you. Let me help.” 

“I’m fine, mom. I just needed a break. I’ll go back to school on Monday. I promise.” 

Frank prays. He prays for four days. He’s also been fasting, hoping God will see that he’s really trying. He’s hoping that his effort will show that he’s truly regretful of his actions, that he’s worthy of His forgiveness. 

He forces himself to go to church on Sunday. Not even his shame will stop him from going. And he’s never been more ashamed in his entire life. It’s obvious this is exactly the place he needs to be right now. He goes to confession for the second time in his life. A few our fathers and Hail Marys will atone him, says the priest. 

***

The following Monday he forces himself to go to school, mostly to appease his mother. He still can’t make himself to go to his first period though. Being around Gerard feels like torture. He knows he’s weak. He needs God.

The first thing he does when he arrives is search out his principal. He begs to be allowed to go to the chapel and pray. His principal is delighted over his dedication and he’s granted permission for today only. As soon as first period is over, he goes back to his usual class schedule. 

He’s with a group of boys outside eating lunch when Gerard walks straight towards him. He has a determination is his eyes that Frank doesn’t feel right about. He looks around him, desperate to find an escape but there’s none in sight. 

“Hey, are you okay? I thought you died or something.”

“I’m fine.” Frank is very short and continues to eat as if he doesn’t have someone trying to have a conversation with him. His friends look between him and Gerard quizzically. Gerard’s face falls and seems to get the message. He turns around and walks away without another word. Frank’s heart aches. He wants to run over and wrap him in a warm embrace and kiss him until he can’t breath but he can’t. It’s not right. It’s not what God wants. So he lets him walk away. 

***

With Gerard and Frank’s friendship basically ended, Frank started to notice someone else’s absence. Emily. They’d barely said a handful of words to each other, silently waiting for the bus had become their new normal. And now he couldn’t even remember the last time they’d spent any time together. He’s been so wrapped up in Gerard that he hadn’t even noticed her slow disappearance from his life. He thought that they’d sorted everything out but now he’s questioning where they stand. 

The day is as uneventful as it has been since he stopped speaking to Gerard so once the last bell rings he starts towards Emily’s without hesitation. 

“What are you doing here?” Emily says as she’s answering his knock at her front door. 

“I wanted to know where you’ve been. We barely even speak anymore.” 

“Oh, now you remember me? It’s been weeks, Frank. Were you really too busy with him that you didn’t realize I wasn’t around?”

“Him?” Frank questions. 

“Your boyfriend.” Emily states. 

“What are you talking about? I don’t have a boyfriend. That’s ridiculous.” 

“I saw you two together.” 

“What are you...” His sentence trails off. _Together._ They had kissed on his back porch. The back porch that can be seen from her bedroom window. She’d basically been given a front row seat to his sort of infidelity. He feels a stabbing pain in his chest. 

“I’m so sorry, Em.” He starts to shake. 

“You don’t have to apologize. It has nothing to do with me.” 

He breaks down in front of her. He’s sobbing pathetically. 

“You’re my best friend, Em. I can’t stand the thought of losing you. I am so sorry that I hurt you. It’s killing me. Everything hurts all the time now. I’m questioning my whole life. I’m questioning my existence. I’m even questioning God! What is wrong with me? Some times I feel like I shouldn’t be alive. I’m unclean. I know I’m not worthy of God’s love.” He sputters between sobs. 

Emily wraps her arms around him. “Hey, don’t talk like that. It’s going to be okay. There’s nothing wrong with you. I’m not going anywhere. I’ve got you. Always.”

“I know it’s wrong but I love him. I can’t stop thinking about him. I feel guilty all the time. I’m being shred apart from the inside. What could God’s plan possibly be? Why would He do this to me?”

“You are the most devout seventeen year old boy i’ve ever met. You have the most kind heart and I know your sense of judgement is stellar. If this boy means this much to you, he has to be special. There’s no way God would do this to you for no reason. This has to be a part of His plan. This must have a higher meaning.” Emily says. 

“It doesn’t matter now. He hates me. I freaked out on him and haven’t spoke to him in weeks, basically. I’ve sabotaged my entire life. I don’t know what to do anymore.” 

“I just want you to be happy, Frank. If this boy makes you happy then you should go to him. Explain what’s happened. He’ll understand.” Emily says. 

“Thank you, Em. I seriously don’t know what i’d do without you.” He kisses her cheek and runs to his car. Gerard is the only thing on his mind as he drives. He needs to see him. Needs to make him understand. 

When he arrives, Gerard pulls the door open slowly. His eyes are full of worry. 

“Gerard. Just let me say what I have to say and then i’ll go.” 

“Okay.” Gerard hesitates. 

“I sit beside you every morning without saying a word and I feel my chest slowly caving in. When i’m without you it feels like a piece of me is missing. I know being with you is God’s plan. This has to have meaning. Why else would He make me feel this way? Why would He make me feel incomplete without you? I will never be ashamed of loving you, Gerard. I won’t ask for penance anymore. I love you. I’ve never been as sure of anything more in my life.” 

Gerard grabs him and kisses him passionately. When he pulls away from him he says, “I’ve felt hollow without you. I’ve prayed that God would bring you back to me. I love you, Frank. Please never let me go again.” 

“Never again.” Frank says while shaking his head and clinging to Gerard. 

Gerard pulls Frank to his room. When the door is closed behind them he puts his arms around Frank and lays his head on his shoulder. 

“I love you.” Gerard whispers. 

“I love you.” Frank feels his heart is fit to burst. 

Gerard pulls away to capture Frank’s lips in a kiss. It’s deep and slow and full of meaning. Gerard’s hands shift to the hem of Frank’s shirt and he peels it off placing delicate kisses to his collarbone. Frank reciprocates and Gerard’s shirt is on the floor, Gerard can hear Frank’s shaky breaths hot in his ear. 

They stand back and gaze at each other. Frank is the first to move to Gerard’s belt, releasing the buckle and pulling his denim and briefs down exposing him. Gerard pulls Frank to his chest kissing down his jaw and slipping his hands between them, opening Frank’s belt and sliding his denim and boxers down his thighs. 

Gerard slowly walks himself backwards guiding Frank to the bed. He hooks an arm around Frank’s waist and pulls them down together, all the while their lips never parting. 

Frank’s body is positioned above Gerard’s and his hands move across Gerard’s body with feather like touches. He makes a path between their bodies, his saliva moistened fingers finding their way between Gerard’s legs and gently pushes inside. His movements slow and delicate eliciting needful sounds from Gerard’s lips.

Frank looked into Gerard’s eyes. "I love you so much," he says as he slid inside him. 

Gerard’s hands laced behind Frank’s neck and pulled his face to his, kissing him with more force than before. They clung to each other, desperate to have as much contact as possible. They moved their hips in sync and moaned into each other’s mouth. 

As Gerard’s breath became labored Frank reached between their bodies and stroked him. Within minutes his orgasm was pulled from him. With Gerard panting and shaking he wound his legs around Frank, pulling him closer. The warmth spreading between their stomachs tipped Frank over the edge and he gasped as he came inside of Gerard.

Frank collapsed on top of him, shuddering as the aftershocks of his climax ran through his body. Frank rolled off Gerard and pulled him against his chest. They basked in their after glow pressed together with whispers of sweet nothings passing between them. 

What they had done could never be wrong. Frank felt like he could finally exhale the breath that he’d been holding in all of his life.


End file.
